Have you finally orgasmed yet?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
