That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
