I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
