my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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