i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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