My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
