my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
