next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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