She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
