I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
