"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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