maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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