Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
