I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
