don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
