Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
4 words: hood of his car
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
