she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I could fuck to npr.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
