I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
