what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
