Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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