I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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