Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
