did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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