The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
