You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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