I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
