I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
