So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
