She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My vagina just clenched in fear
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
