Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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