she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
