I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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