Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You ruined the universe
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
