Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
