I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
