get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
