A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Vodka?
Forever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
