I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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