Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
