I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
