go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
