Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
