my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
