i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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