Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
