your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
