you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
