They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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