as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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