Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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