The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
