Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
